Old Fashioned Hillbilly Christmas 2018

Hello All,

2018 has been a terrible year. Folks in jail and others forced to work for a living. Who said life is fair? We’ve gathered at the old homeplace. Cousin Ralph patched the electricity through—by the time the power company finds out, we’ll be gone. The town is getting smart, keeping guards on the Town Christmas Tree 24 hours a day. Uncle Bob passed a bourbon bottle around the guards while Grandpa took the tree home. It looks great.

Cousin Al is out on a work-release program. Ha! He didn’t work before they slammed him in jail. A reindeer got runover by Grandma yesterday. She says it was an accident, but why was she driving in the neighbor’s front yard? Maybe she got into Uncle Bob’s sweet potato wine. Anyway, we will have reindeer roast this year.

The kids are as cute as ever. Santa hired a security guard to protect himself. The kids took his sleigh and 7 reindeer home—Grandma already bagged the 8^th reindeer. The kids not only have Sant’s beard and glasses, they swiped the guard’s whistle and radio. Uncle Joe played his tuba until the neighbors gave us milk, eggs, and nutmeg. Cousin Cindy plans to make her world-famous eggnog, providing Uncle Bob leaves any bourbon.

Grandma has been inspired. She baked a turnip upside down cake and a fried-pickle pie. The baby’s crying. Now 7 elves are pounding on the front door. I hate crabby elves. Why aren’t they busy making toys? Don’t they have more reindeer and sleighs? The baby ate Grandma’s cooking and made a mess all over Uncle Bob, except Uncle Bob’s too snookered with eggnog to care. Cousin Cindy, you take care of it.

We hid Uncle Joe’s instruments. How did he get hold of the tuba? Cousin Ralph is moaning out Christmas carols. The elves covered their ears. Cousin Al phoned the sheriff and begged to go back to jail. The sheriff just laughed. Santa is on the road and spying on us. Why?

Cousin Ralph wrapped the presents, but the kids switched the tags. They love watching fights. Grandma out-wrestled everyone again. The elves are chasing the kids, but the kids locked the elves in the cellar. Grandpa and Cousin Ralph are still howling Christmas carols. Someone make them quit.

The elves escaped and joined Santa in his sleigh and 7 reindeer. They flew away. Grandpa chugged Uncle Bob’s bourbon, and Uncle Bob is crying. I dumped fried-pickle pie down the tuba, but Uncle Joe won’t quit. The baby climbed in my lap and barfed! My head is killing me!  You guessed it, more Christmas fun just like last year.

Merry Christmas,

You know who