Old Fashioned Hillbilly Christmas 2022

Hello All,

            Time for holiday fun! The ole home place has been condemned, but we got the power and water hooked up for Christmas. We’re all here. Nary one of us working.

Uncle Al escaped from the county work farm. A mama, daddy, and 5 baby turkeys followed him home. Our mouths watered, but he said leave them be. Down at the feed store he borrowed a bag of Purina Turkey Chow. We are going to have a vegetable-tarian Christmas dinner. Cousin Cindy is making her world famous eggnog with turkey eggs, milk (don’t ask whose cow), and cinnamon bourbon. Wow.

Uncle Bob and grandpa drove clear to the next county seat to find an unguarded Christmas tree, but it’s a doozy. Now grandpa has bagpipes. Someone, pour sand in his pipes. The hounds are baying, either with the bagpipes or they can’t stand the racket.

Grandma made a Marble Cake. I screamed for someone to get to the cake before the baby ate it. The cake fell to the floor, marbles rolling everywhere. We were slipping and sliding on the floor. The baby giggled and threw up, but I expected a mess and had a helper clean it up. (I’m the leader, I don’t get up from the couch for anything)

The kids are so cute, they climbed into the mall through the roof, scared the dickens outa Santa. They got tired of angry elves coming to our place looking for Santa’s sleigh, so the kids hoisted it on top of the volunteer fire station. Maybe a reindeer helped them. We don’t even know where the reindeer are!

Cousin Ralph chugged all the eggnog and got the gift tags all mixed up again. Give granny whatever she wants, she’s too mean. Quit fighting! Elves are at the door—tell them we don’t have the reindeer. The reindeer are on our roof? How’d they get up there? The turkeys just chased the elves off. The reindeer are flying after the elves.

Yep, Christmas fun just like always.

Merry Christmas,

You know who