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Merry Christmas! (and Hanukkah, Yule, Kwanzaa) What follows is my twisted humor:

Old Fashioned Hillbilly Christmas 2017

Hello All,

We tore the CONDEMNED signs down & have once again gathered at the old home place. (don’t tell the sheriff) It turned cold, but the neighbors had plenty of firewood. The kids kept the sheriff busy while Grandpa & Uncle Bob borrowed the town Christmas tree.

Cousin Al is out of jail, but he has monitors on his ankles and wrists. He took the kids to see Santa, though Santa tried to hide under the sleigh. The kids took Santa’s beard & boots while Cousin Al borrowed the reindeer. Santa can get more, we hope. (roast reindeer is so good)

The kids hid Uncle Bob’s bourbon, so he is tearing the house apart looking for it. The kids are always so cute, but Uncle Bob is crying. A neighbor gave Uncle Joe milk & eggs, because he promised not to play his accordion. (the kids had already buried it in the pigpen) Now, Cousin Cindy can make eggnog, providing Uncle Bob finds the bourbon.

Grandma can’t read, but that doesn’t stop her from making a Shaker lemon pie. Where are all the salt & pepper shakers? Grandma wouldn’t? Would she? The baby’s face is stuck in the pie. Now the baby is crying. And elves are at the door, demanding that we give them the reindeer back. Grouchy elves. They should mind their own business.

Uncle Bob found the bourbon, & he passed out. The baby got sick on him, but at least the mess isn’t all over the floor where I would have to clean it up. Who gave Uncle Joe a banjo? He can’t play it, not that he would let it stop him from torturing the strings. Uncle Joe sounds like a colicky cow (his banjo, his singing is worse). Cousin Al took off all his monitors, hoping the sheriff takes him back to jail where no one can hear Uncle Joe.

Cousin Ralph wrapped the presents, but he ran out of time for tags. We will have our usual free-for-all over presents. Except Grandma is so tough she gets first pick. The kids put Cousin Al’s monitors on the elves, but Uncle Joe’s Christmas carol singing is making the reindeer sick. Santa is out by the road, so he is suspicious. (our family gets accused of everything)

Grandpa found the bourbon, & was howling with the hounds. While Cousin Ralph was trying to get Grandpa in the house, the reindeer slipped away. The elves escaped, but they are still wearing monitors, & the sheriff is chasing them. My head is pounding from too much eggnog & Uncle Joe’s wailing. And the baby just threw up all over my bunny slippers.

You guessed it, more Christmas fun just like last year.

Merry Christmas,

You know who

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This is a twisted, tortured version of the Night Before Christmas, inspired by Austrian customs:

A Visit from Old Krampus

Charles Suddeth

(with profound apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our house

Not a critter was stirring, not even my spouse;

The stockings were tacked by the fireplace so bare,

In hopes that Krampus would never be there;

The children were all huddling under their beds;

While visions of sumac switches tortured their heads;

And mamma in her snuggy, and I with my booze,

Had just settled ourselves for a long winter’s snooze,

When out on the road there arose such a clatter,

I leaped from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew right quickly,

Tore open the shutters and felt mighty sickly.

The moon glittered on the edge of the new-fallen snow,

Giving a daylight-luster to the objects below,

When what to my red, aching eyes did show,

But a miniature wagon and eight tiny goats to go,

With a mean old driver who raised such a rumpus,

I knew in a moment he just had to be Krampus.

Speedier than vultures his billy goats came,

And he cursed, and yelled, and called them by name:

“Now Pokey! Now, Porky! Now Antsy and Blunder!

On, Demon! On, Devil! On, Dummy and Wonder!

On the top of the roof! On the top of that wall!

Now rush away! Rush away! Rush away yall!”

As shingles before wild tornadoes do fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, jump to the sky;

So over the housetop the eight goats they flew

With the wagon full of switches, and mean, old Krampus too—

And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof

The dancing and dinging of each cloven hoof.

As I ducked down my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney old Krampus fell with a bound.

He was dressed in leather, from his head to his toe,

And his clothes were dirty and greasy to show,

A bundle of whips he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a thief who was opening his sack.

His eyes—how red they glowed! His head, how hairy!

His cheeks were like leather, his nose like a berry!

His scowling, blistered mouth was frightful to see,

And the beard on his chin was as black as could be;

The stinky cigar he held clamped in his teeth,

And smoke circled his head like a funeral wreath;

He had an ornery face and a hard-bound belly

That quivered when he cackled, like reindeer jelly.

He was thin and bony, like a wicked old elf,

And I wept when I saw him, and tried to hide myself;

A blink of his evil eye, a shake of his head

Soon let me know I had everything to dread;

He uttered no words, but went straight to his work,

Filled the stockings with coal; then swiveled with a jerk,

And laying his claws beside his hairy snout,

And giving a smirk, the back door he went out;

He shot to his wagon, to his team gave a clap,

And away they all soared with thunder and zap.

But I heard him exclaim as he dashed out of sight—

“Nightmares to all, and to all a bad night!”

 

 

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I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Monday, December 26, Kwanzaa starts, so a Joyous Kwanzaa to everyone.

Old Fashioned Hillbilly Christmas 2016

 

Hello All,

 

The family is once again hanging around the old home place, though the sheriff ran us out last year. We tossed the No Trespassing and Condemned signs in the fireplace. It turned cold so the kids borrowed the neighbor’s firewood. The kids are always so cute. The sheriff posted guards on the town Christmas tree, but they fell asleep, so Uncle Bob and Grandpa took it home.

Cousin Al snuck out of jail and took the kids to see Santa, but Santa saw them first and ran away. The kids brought home eight reindeer, and venison roast sounds good for Christmas dinner. Can Santa pull the sleigh with seven reindeer? Six? Even less?

Uncle Bob passed out, so the kids turned him into a live snowman. When he comes to, he’s going to be too cold to do anything. (except he has lots of antifreeze) The cute kids found chickens and a goat in a neighbor’s backyard, so Cousin Cindy has milk and eggs to add to Uncle Bob’s bourbon to make her famous eggnog.

Grandma can’t read so she can’t use cookbooks. She baked a grasshopper pie without a recipe, and everyone is afraid to eat it, except the baby just dug into it. Now a couple elves are snooping around, asking about reindeer. Nosy elves. The baby just got sick on Cousin Al, somebody clean the stink up.

Uncle Joe is playing Christmas carols on a fiddle missing 2 strings. He sings offkey, out-of-tune, and off-pitch, making the hounds howl and the baby wail. Cousin Al couldn’t stand anymore, and the sheriff won’t answer the phone, so Cousin Al is hitchhiking back to the jail. Cousin Ralph wrapped the presents, but he forgot tags. We get to wrestle over who gets what, but Grandma is so mean we give her whatever presents she wants.

The kids tied the elves up and made Christmas ornaments out of them. Uncle Joe is still singing carols, Santa showed up and asked for his things back, the baby spit up all over me, and the reindeer ran away before we got any steaks. Grandpa found Uncle Bob’s bourbon stash. Now Grandpa’s on the roof, and Cousin Ralph can’t get him down. Did I mention that my head hurts from too much eggnog? Yes, just more Christmas fun just like last year.

 

Merry Christmas,

You know who

sleigh

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I want to wish everyone a Christmas eve filled with peace and a Happy Hanukkah.

A Visit from Old Krampus

Charles Suddeth

(with profound apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our house

Not a critter was stirring, not even my spouse;

The stockings were tacked by the fireplace so bare,

In hopes that Krampus would never be there;

The children were all hiding under their beds;

While visions of oak switches tortured their heads;

And mamma in her snuggy, and I with my booze,

Had just settled ourselves for a long winter’s snooze,

When out on the street there arose such a clatter,

I leaped from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew right quickly,

Tore open the shutters and felt mighty sickly.

The moon glittered on the edge of the new-fallen snow,

Giving a daylight-luster to the objects below,

When what to my red, aching eyes did show,

But a miniature wagon and eight tiny goats to go,

With a mean old driver who raised such a rumpus,

I knew in a moment he just had to be Krampus.

Speedier than vultures his billy goats came,

And he cursed, and yelled, and called them by name:

“Now Pokey! Now, Porky! Now Antsy and Blunder!

On, Demon! On, Devil! On, Dummy and Wonder!

On the top of the roof! On the top of that wall!

Now rush away! Rush away! Rush away yall!”

As shingles before wild tornadoes do fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, jump to the sky;

So over the housetop the eight goats they flew

With the wagon full of switches, and mean, old Krampus too—

And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof

The dancing and dinging of each cloven hoof.

As I ducked down my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney old Krampus fell with a bound.

He was dressed in leather, from his head to his toe,

And his clothes were dirty and greasy to show,

A bundle of whips he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a thief who was opening his sack.

His eyes—how red they glowed! His head, how hairy!

His cheeks were like leather, his nose like a berry!

His scowling, blistered mouth was frightful to see,

And the beard on his chin was as black as could be;

The stinky cigar he held clamped in his teeth,

And smoke circled his head like a funeral wreath;

He had an ornery face and a hard-bound belly

That quivered when he cackled, like reindeer jelly.

He was thin and bony, like a wicked old elf,

And I wept when I saw him, and tried to hide myself;

A blink of his evil eye, a shake of his head

Soon let me know I had everything to dread;

He uttered no words, but went straight to his work,

Filled the stockings with coal; then swiveled with a jerk,

And laying his claws beside his hairy snout,

And giving a smirk, the back door he went out;

He shot to his wagon, to his team gave a clap,

And away they all soared with thunder and zap.

But I heard him exclaim as he dashed out of sight—

“Nightmares to all, and to all a bad night!”

krampus

 

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Eights Mask2I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Joyous Yule, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa!

Merry Christmas: Ulihelisdi danistayohihv (they are happy/thankful they go shooting—as in  firecrackers)

Santa claus: Distayohi (he shoots- as in firecrackers, sometimes translated as firecracker man)

He gives good children gifts: aneha didanedi nigada diniyotli osda (he-gives  gifts all children good)

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I want wish everyone a merry & joyous Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Yule, may your holidays be merry & joyous, too. Above all, peace & love to everyone.

Feb_27_001

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Neanderthal Protocol (adult thriller, Musa Publishing, eBook)  neanderthalprotocol-200[Check last weeks post for several Neanderthal  recipes, if you dare]

Greg Anderson is a physicist working on Project Cold Sun, which will generate electricity via hydrogen fusion. After a DNA test exposes him as a Neanderthal, he lives on the streets like a wild animal. Near death, he meets Rachel Waters.

After Greg’s former boss is murdered, the police blame Greg. Rachel helps Greg search for the killers. Can Rachel and Greg find the people who are trying to destroy Project Cold Sun before the police charge Greg with murder and execute him?

PDF, ePUB (Nook, iPad, Android), PRC (Kindle), Mobi

[available from Barnes & Noble, Amazon, Musa Publishing’s website, independent bookstores via Kobo, and other online retailers]

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